When we struggle to help others

And how to continue trying

My parents recently brought home a puppy (see above) and the sleepy/cuddle phase was *incredibly* short-lived. At the moment, this pup has an unlimited supply of energy, razor sharp teeth, a vendetta out for the leash, and a particular adoration for B-lining it straight to the pond in the early hours of the morning. He’ll trot back up to the house and proudly present to you the mud he wears all. over. himself. He is every bit a puppy right now, his energy and behaviors make sense…AND, it is absolutely fair to say that tending to him isn’t easy, nor convenient.

I try to gently encourage some alternative options, provide (what I think is helpful) advice (like seeking the professional support of a dog trainer…), and offer support in ways that I know how. But when these outreaches don’t feel like they are well received or genuinely taken into consideration, I feel a tinge of irritation—some days it’s a LOT of irritation. And in those moments where compassion feels too far to reach, the incessant complaining pecks at the back of my head til I eventually flail my arms and give up trying all together.

When I zoom out and step back from these conversations for a moment, I can see that more often than not, no one specifically asked for, or agreed to me providing advice and suggestions. And by doing so, I can be nearly certain that I am doing the opposite of providing support. (To my surprise, my parents actually don’t find it helpful when I remind them of a *very* available dog trainer down the road in the midst of Michael dunking his head into pond water)

A few reminders for those moments (or days) where it feels like your irritation is on the edge of eruption:

• Communicate your desire to help and be curious about how the person best receives support

  • This can sound something like…

    • “I hear how ______ you are and I want to be able to support you, how can I do that?”

    • “Are you looking to brainstorm solutions or to have a safe place to share how you feel?”

  • It is important to understand that every person is different and each circumstance they experience will vary. There is no default generalization for how to support someone. Meaning, just because they wanted solutions last week does not mean they want that version of support now.

• Have the willingness and humility to accept that it is *very* likely that you may not have all the right answers, and it’s okay. You don’t have to.

  • Just because something makes sense to you does not mean that it makes sense to others. And just because someone is choosing to do something you’d “never do” does not mean that there is something inherently wrong with it. You can support people and their decisions without agreeing with them. That’s respect.

• It is okay to not be in the proper headspace to provide support in the moment and you are responsible for communicating that.

  • This can sound something like…

    • “I’d really like to provide you with some support on this issue and right now is not a good time for me. If you’d like, I can give you a call (set timeframe/clear expectation).”

    • “I’m sorry to hear, and I don’t have the emotional capacity to support you at this time.”

• At the very least, your undivided attention has the power to provide invaluable support

  • Trust that people have the capability to arrive at conclusions that make sense to them on their own time. One of the best ways to make that possible is to be a space for them to sort through their shit in your company, not necessarily with your input.

Questions to explore:

• In which circumstances do you notice that it is challenging for you to provide support? Is there an identifiable pattern with who you are talking to, or what topics are discussed?

• How is it that you prefer to be supported when you are feeling challenged or facing hardship? Do you communicate this with the person you are confiding in? If so, what does that look like?