“Let us practice witnessing the beauty of knowing that we all need and we are all needed”
Recently, I’m recognizing some very real limitations in myself and my circumstances that I can’t escape, that I can’t ignore, that I can’t bulldoze through anymore. Being here and facing these limitations feels like I’ve been cornered and the only way out is to drop my shield and surrender to the reality that I need help. Everyone has different shields they choose in order to feel protected and cultivate a sense of safety when they are forced to witness their limitations. For example, some people feel comforted behind the wall of denial or avoidance.
My shield of choice is hyper-independence, which is easily recognized by the ~very convincing~ reassurance I give to myself and others in the form of “No, I’ve got it! Seriously, I can do it!” *whimpers*. Hyper independence is one of my favorite ways to (maladaptively) self-soothe. It protects me from feeling shame and embarrassment as a result of others witnessing my limitations (or so I think). It gives me a sense that I have greater control over my circumstances. And it’s a buffer that keeps me at a safe distance from acknowledging my limitations before I am ready to, at least until it inevitably wears down and leaves me exposed.
So here I am, practicing how to surrender, practicing how to ask others for help, and practicing granting myself permission to receive. A few reminders I’ve been telling myself, over and over and over again:
Give people the respect of believing them when they say they want to help
Trust that if people want to help and are offering support, they mean it. People have the right and the autonomy to decide whether or not they want to or feel capable of providing us some relief. It is not for us to judge the validity of their decision, it is our job to believe what they say.
Don’t assume what people think of you when you ask for or receive help
I have a tendency of assuming people have a notepad full of tallies for every time I ask for help. I think that if I ask ~too much~ or ~too often~ they will grow resentful and/or judge me. In reality, I have absolutely no idea what people may think of me (in general), nor is it my responsibility to predict. People have the right to their own opinions and perceptions and it is none of my business. If I am making assumptions and feel deeply uncomfortable thinking the person I am asking for help from feels a certain way, it is my responsibility to ask and discuss these concerns.
Asking for help is a courageous display of vulnerability and an opportunity for connection with others
If we finally ask for help (either because we chose to surrender or because it was the only option left) there is an inherent risk that it won’t be offered and that we will be left raw and exposed. That is an incredibly valid fear. It is also important to hold space for acknowledging that as much as asking for help is a risk, it is also a chance to be truly seen by others. It is an opportunity for connection.
Interdependence is a necessary part of nature, it is a necessary part of our humanity
There is a gorgeous quote by Kate Bowler that says, “the feeder is empty again and no one is claiming that the birds are greedy.” All beings in nature rely on one another for nutrients, for nurturance, for survival. Humans being part of nature, are no different. Let’s not judge what it is that we need, or that we do in the first place. Let us practice witnessing the beauty in knowing that we all need and we are all needed.
Get curious about the feelings and prejudices you have surrounding help
When hesitating to ask for help or to receive it, explore what beliefs and presumptions are holding you back. There is a tremendous amount of social stigma surrounding help in our “pick-yourself-up-by-the-bootstrap” culture. Here are a few questions I’m currently chewing on:
What do you think of yourself when you are in need of support or assistance? (*And what evidence do you have to prove that those thoughts are accurate?*)
Who do you judge for asking for/receiving help, and why do you think you judge them?
What beliefs surrounding asking for/receiving help have you internalized from your family, friends, and peers?
What beliefs surrounding asking for/receiving help have you internalized from the media that you consume?